I'm so sorry, Shehasmyeyes.
re: I've been sitting here for hours trying to find a fitting start to what is ultimately no point in writing. The only one I'll ever tell is the psychiatrist I have an appointment with next week, and you.
I have memories of a life I haven't lived, or am living. It's not a past life, or being another person. It's me, Simon, with my same family, same dad and mom, and all my brothers. But yet everything is different.
Growing up I thought they we're dreams that I just remembered very well. When the subject about dreams came up, and how its hard to remember them all, I used to tell that I remember almost everything i dreamed about. My perception about what I remembered being dreams changed in my late teens and I never talked about them again, to anyone.
I used to row, and it was in my local rowing club I meet Siri. She was lovely in every way and i ended up having a crush for her. She however liked my best friend as well. Before I was made aware of this we dated for a few weeks, but when a friend of hers told me about it, I confronted her and she told me it was true. I was heartbroken and we decided to brake it of. She started dating my friend and I moved on.
Shortly after I meet Helene, who is now my current wife. But before me and Helene got serious Siri and my friend had broken up and she reached out to me and asked me for a second chance -- I told her no.
But, I also remember saying yes. I remember our dates. I remember the day I asked her to be my girlfriend and make it official. I remember borrowing the club house connected to our rowing club and covering it with candles, and her walking in. I remember telling her that I love her and that I wanted her to be my girl. I was 18 and she was 17.
These memories or dreams ran parallel as I was dating Helene and I used to feel horribly guilty about dreaming about Siri. I changed rowing club and started avoiding places I knew I'd meet Siri, but nothing helped. I was in love with Siri, and Helene, and experienced dating both of them. I thought I was going crazy.
This is the point where my perception started to change: Helene and I were an official couple and we had been going steady for over a year, we were happy. I was coping with my feeling and dreams/memories with Siri -- I was probably crazy/creepy and repressed it all and hadn't seen her in months.
In all honesty should barely know her at this point, but yet I knew everything about her; her childhood stories, her house, siblings, parents, their cabin 2 hours from town where I lost my virginity to her, and yet didn't. The cabin with it's stupid toilet door which never locks properly, and caused her mother walking in when I was wanking (I still feel embarrassed by this! Yet the memory is off -- It hasn't happend)
Everything changed december 2001: I hadn't been sleeping properly for a long time but december was the worst. I thought I dreamt the memories, and it had made me fearful of sleep. I had been working overtime every day of the week for 2 weeks. I was thursday and after 4 hours of overtime, I was beat. I drove home. Got the keys from the garage, where we hid it under the paint box. Went inside, and straight to bed.
I woke up with Siri's dad standing over me. He had found me in Siri's bed after the coming home and discovering the key's were missing and the door unlocked. Horror, disbelief, confusion. This is Siri's dad. I know him, and I have never meet him. I just rambled, I can't remember saying anything coherent. I eventually told him I went in to the wrong house, he asked me how I found the keys.. What could I tell him? I had no reasonable explanation. I had never been to Siri's house, yet I knew where they hid the key's and every damn room in the house -- I basically lived there. I told him I didn't know. He didn't ask me any questions after that, just that the police were on their way and to sit tight. I kept quiet until they arrived. When the police came he told them I was probably drunk, I guess he thought so because of my rambling and confused state. The police took me to the station for a statement. I lied and told them I had been drinking. I knew the blood results would be negative but I didn't care, I just wanted to go home. After a few hours they let me go and I went home. I didn't tell anyone about this. A few weeks later I received a letter stating that the blood results were negative and that they wanted me to go back to the station for a new interview, but before the date arrived I receive another letter saying that they would be dropping the charges -- Siri's dad was not pressing.
After this episode I went to the doctors for sleeping pills. I never let myself get so tiered again. I never drank alcohol after that day either, or do anything that could cause me to lose focus as to where or who I am.
The different memories follow me throughout each day. And every day there are new memories, glimpses. Most of the different memories are so different --or feel so different -- that I can distinguish between them. But sometimes I meet fiends that don't know me or know my way around places I shouldn't really know - these memories are much harder to distinguish, almost impossible.
I'll stop here. I have written so much now, and now that I'm at the point of why I'm writing this -- I see no point in writing it. It's soon 1 AM here, I'm afraid my wife or kids will wake up and ask me why I'm crying.
I thought I could cope with the memories. I coped with Siri being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, the cancer spreading to her liver. I coped with Siri dieing, being at her funeral and carrying her casket, not being at her funeral and being told she was dead, not visiting her grave yet remember visiting her grave.
I have 2 daughters with Helene; Sigrid and Anita. And I have Ella. I had Ella with Siri. Ella has my eyes. I remember her being born shortly after my first daughter and it changed everything. With my daughters came the sensation of what real, unconditional and bottomless love was. I can't cope with it anymore. I have lost a daughter. All I have are memories. I will never ever experience the first hand sensation of hugging, kissing, just holding her. And everyday I have new memories of her - making me love her and miss her more and more. I skip work just to sit outside the apartment we live in. I know the apartment inside and out -- where she learned to walk, where she learned to go to the potty all alone and how we went straight to mammas grave to tell her about it. I know it will ruin my life and there's noting i can do. I'm in complete and utter conflict: I hope its a mental condition but at the same time I'm afraid of taking pills that will cause me to lose Ella completely.
There is no help and it will ruin me.
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